Butt plug

By Owen Paine on Sunday April 15, 2007 01:16 PM

My close personal pal, liberal Bob Kuttner has another column worth eviscerating


Well, to be honest, no, actually he doesn't. I just find him so so so .... like Dan Quayle found Mario Cuomo, a troublesome specter.

To my thoughtful inclination, guys like Bob and his breed of chatter ape are the very plug in the asshole of American social progress. Bobby the K, co-editor of The American Prospect and a senior fellow at Demos, whose columns appear regularly in newspapers near you, is precisely the egregious element blocking this great land's shitter -- the guy who makes vicious social crap removal near impossible, by boring us to death, by calling on us umpteen times like a wooden mantelpiece to rid ourselves of this Wall Street menace.

Hear it repeated nearly word for word enough times, it isn't even enough to tune the whole notion out -- you've gotta start sidin' with the black hats to keep your pulse going.

Back to my Donne-like conceit: trying too hard to shit has contrary effects. it retards peristalsis. If you younger folks don't believe me, ask your family physician. Take this line ending this tower of righteous indignation's latest toothpaste-strength Jeremiad:

How many times does conservatism have to fail before we get a successor who reclaims American liberalism?
Feel your sphincter purse?

Bobby that first line oughta be "how many fuckin' times have I gotta write this same fuckin' piece before I leave the building?!" How many indeed, Bob? How many times do we gotta hear you blow your flugelhorn before you finally grab some pine?

Give it a rest, pal. Your kids are out of the nest. Your mortgage is paid way down. Go get an honest job. Sell belts or something. About 20 years ago you had nothing whatsoever more to add to the proceedings. Stand not upon the order or your going, but go.... go.... now!


PS: Bobby dearest, Carter was not "the most conservative Democrat since Grover Cleveland." Mattress Jack Kennedy was -- err, he was, that is, until we got the rubber tree from Hope.

Comments (4)


Owen, we need more media criticism of this kind. The cloacal agenda -- which might deserve capitalization -- has burdened us for far too long.

This post about Kuttner reminds me of the times I took my old pal Irving to the emergency room, after he sawed off another bit of finger. Scruggs, he'd say to me, you're a real friend. If I drink again before work, I want you to hit me, good and hard.

So I did, one day, but not all that hard. More like an exasperated smack upside the head. Oh, how hurt he looked! I tried to remind him of what he said, but he went and complained anyway. Needless to say, he's now down to his last two whole fingers on the victim hand and his saw hand twitches spasmodically all the time. He drinks to cope with that, but it's no good for him, Owen. It's no good.


Me likes the screed very, very, very much.

What awaits is a sociological treatise as to why the pwog-liberals are the last bastion of dullsville sanctimony in a US mediascape that geometrically hyperspaced past post-modernity into post-post-post something or other about the same time "500 channels and nothing is on" was on the tip of the tongue.

Bob Kuttner writes:
How many times does conservatism have to fail before we get a successor who reclaims American liberalism?

Bob Dylan writes:
Me, I sit here so patiently
tryin' to find out what price
do ya' have to pay to get out of
going through all of these things twice!

Now, I don't know about y'all, but I'm more inclined to pay attention to the same question posed in a more artful and directly challenging manner, as is done by Bob No.2.

Oh, mama! Can this really be the end...?

good for you, now you finally found the great stuff that really makes you feel great.

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