Stop Me Before I Vote Again

... [M]y apologies to all on Stop Me for totally missing the call on Don Imus in my personal Guess Which Irrelevant, Total-Waste-Of-Time Story Will Lead Off Tomorrow's "Today Show" Or Otherwise Totally Monopolize The Media Game. Normally, I see a Don Imus In Trouble Again report towards the bottom of the fourth column on Drudge and my reaction is "huh, so what, Don Imus is in trouble again; so, tell us some goddamn' news, already" and promptly move on to the next item. Obviously, this has led to disastrous consequences for all of us as the Imus "story" has pretty much obliterated the news of mass demonstrations of Iraqis calling for the US Empire to leave, a bombing of a major Baghdad bridge and of the Green Zone, a spike in US casualties in Iraq, and the continuing shuddering, groaning collapse of the American Dream, viz. losing the house you couldn't nearly afford but took out a skanky mortgage to buy anyway because you believed all the marketing hype about how you really are entitled to it.

That said, it's Slogging Through The Shit So You Don't Have To Time, and straight offa' the Drudge Report, here's my quick Top Five picks on what I think will lead off the Today Show either tomorrow morning or whenever it is that the goddamn' standard-issue Don Imus Is In Trouble Story Which Somehow Became This Year's Terry Schiavo Circus finally subsides:

5. All-Female Conception, http://news.independent.co.uk/world/science_technology/article2444462.ece This should tie in nicely with the Today Show's extensive coverage last year of the "girl crush" social trend phenomenon. A friend's wife, in fact, has said she wants to have Uma Thurman's baby (speaking of girl crushes). The Democratic Party angle, of course, is that it involves stem cells, and we all know these days how the Donkeycrats can be depended on for that good old stem-cell solidarity; hell, anyone who still thinks there's no difference has only to remember Senator "Lurch" Kerry's outspoken position on stem cells which he phoned in back in '04.

4. Prosecutors See Scary Rise In Child Attacks On Parents, http://chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/4711186.html I'd go with this one for no other reason than the sheer man-bites-dog sensationalism of it. Can't really say much else as it's a new story, at least to me. But, man, oh, man, has it got the Top Ten Minutes Of The Today Show written all over it. Not sure if it'd have the staying power of an Anna Nicole Smith, a Natalee Holloway, a Don Imus. This might be more in the Insane Lovesick Astronaut class.

3. Paul Wolfowitz Romantic Scandal, http://www.ft.com/cms/s/ee84cc80-e91e-11db-a162-000b5df10621.html Ordinarily, the Today Show wouldn't bother with something as mundane as the ruinous policies of the World Bank and IMF which keep millions poor, but there's sex involved in this one -- namely, that Wolfowitz (what is it with these WB presidents' names, anyway? Wolfensohn, Wolfowitz...) tried to get a WB staffer who was his girlfriend/mistress/paramour -- I don't know what you'd call her when you're hooking up at that level in Washington -- a much bigger pay raise than normal, and was caught. I guess the real news here is that he actually said "I made a mistake", and not "Mistakes were made". Hell, I'd go with this for no other reason than the fact that some gal was actually allowing herself to be nailed by Old Lick'n'Slick.

2. Elementary School Teacher Caught Having Sex With Principal On Video, http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_103092655.html Talk about something that's been reported so often lately that it's not even news anymore. This one's got everything the Today Show loves these days -- sex in school, and hidden-camera tape (anyone else notice these days that at least half the stories on the Today Shows headline segments feature sensational, violent, horrific footage captured by surveillance cameras?), and for this I have it narrowly edging out the World Bank Honey Money story.

1. Madonna Denies Plans To Adopt Second Malawian Child, http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=070413120435.13hmlntu&show_article=1 Perhaps the runaway winner for no other reason than it, of course, involves a huge celebrity. The Today Show will for damn' sure be looking for a way to drag this out over three days' worth of ten-minute interview segments. The end.