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Saddle up, Joe

By Owen Paine on Saturday February 28, 2009 05:26 PM

Personally, I hate usury, so I hate consumer loans, good times or bad. The vig is a plain gouge, not a silent partner's piece of the action.

In fact we oughta ban death on the installment plan -- like betting on sports contests, or reading grocery line tabloids, or playing the slots at Trump, or eating weedy salads.

Not gonna happen, though, is it? But at least Uncle don't need to subsidize this Shylockin'. (Okay, so I'd make an exception when it comes to house lot loans, but more on that another time.)

All the ballooning of consumer loans, credit cards, installment plans, stretch pays, rent-to-owns, payday loans -- all just a nasty dollar-sucking substitute for faster earned income growth for the bottom 80% of us weeblery.

We've had 30 years of stagnant wages, which has led to 30 years of borrowed pleasures, and that led to -- now.

But on the other hand, small business loans, like for low-tech startups -- loans to make me my own boss -- well, that's the two-horned long-tailed dream of every red-blooded pleb bounder in America.

So as a twenty-year, day-in and day-out proponent of more damn Nepmen everywhere -- I say we got ourselves a problem here worth Uncle's solving.

The private banksters aren't loaning to small biz of any sort anymore, no more in fact then they are to us pronate consumers. So let's call in -- who else -- uncle's Small Business Administration. Fire up a trillion-dollar loan fund for us little guys with small ideas -- about one-fifth the value of all our outstanding home loans, and far less than the Wall Street manta rays lost buildin' their latest set of paper towers.

I say let's start funding pipe dreams. Then we can truly claim that any nobody, or at least a whole passel of nobodies, can make themselves into -- well, if not somebody, at least their own nobody.

$2 trillion in 50K blocks made available for folks wanting to invent their own personal pedestrian road to higher prosperity -- hell, that'd create a startup frenzy bigger and more furious than anything in our history. Like a thousand Oklahoma land rushes all at once -- yahooooo babycakes!

Imagine the homely polyphony of it all -- in a word: Whitmanesque.

Cheap generous credit, ready for the taking. All you gotta do is draw up a plan on how you're fixin' to start the business of your daydreams, and Uncle Loosepockets will send ya the juice.

To hell with the old fart-by-fart way of trickle-down venturing -- all that Oliver Twist shit. Let Uncle be for all of us one big-ass angel bountiful. It'd be like a works project administration, but without the projects, and only the slightest of administrations, and hell, maybe with practically no work to it either -- just ingenuity, guile and gumption.

Pass 'em out like Pell grants, only they'd be loans -- all with a personal IOU. Hey -- we could call 'em Pell-Mell loans!

Oh wouldn't Pere Proudhon be delighted?

Comments (4)


Pere Smiff, for one, is not delighted at the exception for house lot loans. Why, in God's name? Why!?! They're the worst of all!


Jaisus! I could have a new career -- a second chance in life. I could be a tap dancer, and undulate around with Ginger Rogers.

I've read variations on this theme. For one, straight grant to every citizen at age 18, for college or whatever he wanted, repayable with slight interest only at death, if there's anything left. There's zillions of ways the state could get its money back, enough to cover all slackers who would just waste it. As Elmore Leonard's character said when asked what happened to all his wealth:? "I spent it all on booze, broads and boats . . . and the rest I wasted."


never fear father S
the beacon of progress
shines brightly apon this exception


Progress? PROGRESS?! Are you trying to kill me, Owen?

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