A young friend of mine, now in her third year of high school, recently received the following letter from a functionary at her academic feedlot -- let's call it Creekvalley Prep. The letter is addressed to her and her mom, and far too long to transcribe in full. I'll just give the best bits, with some tactful name-changing:
Dear Giudecca and Ms. Llewellyn:That's the actual signature -- no shit -- which I felt free to reproduce, because nobody could ever get back to the actual person or school from this wildly overconfident, megalomaniac fuck-you scrawl.I am delighted to welcome you to the College Office. Although I have had the opportunity to see many of you... throughout the year, I now can turn my attention -- and the resources of the office -- to you as we enter the formal part of the college counseling process....
We will initiate the counseling process in an exploratory meeting with you and a counselor from our office. This meeting is important and parents should make every effort to attend.... Parents should get a copy of the student's schedule and call Mrs Litotes in the College Office at XXX-XXXX to make an appointment that does not conflict with class obligations. [Underlining in original -- MJS] To make the meeting most productive for all, students and parents are asked to complete the College Information Sheet and College Counseling Parent Questionnaire, both of which must be downloaded from the College Office Conference located on Giudecca's First Class desktop. Please call Mrs Litotes if you cannot locate your icon. Both documents must be returned to her in the College Office three days before your meeting so they can be reviewed in advance....
Each student brings a combination of many traits and talents, and a college environment should meet the full range of those needs....
In your work as a student, Giudecca, strive to develop the best possible academic profile. This record of achievement will be the "bedrock" of your college application. Commit to extracurricular activities that you find meaningful and fulfilling. What is important to you --along with your ability to reflect on that in an articulate way -- is what will make your application distinctive.
Sincerely,
There are, it seems to me, several interesting things to note about the text: its semi-literacy, its vast length (the original is a closely-printed page and a half), and above all its minatory presumptuous tone.
This encyclical emanates from a fairly prestigious New York private day day school. The author is some poor drudge in its placement office. She is addressing people who (except for the scholarship kids of course) make a lot more money than she does; many of them make more money in a week than she will make in her whole life. Others are household names, men and women of repute and renown. They're each paying (except for the scholarship families, again) as much as she gets paid every year to send their offspring to Creekvalley. And yet this schoolhouse appendage, this nematode, this remora, this liver fluke, feels entitled to address her patrons and paymasters de haut en bas.
Isn't it amazing how the colleges and their outriders -- like Miss Scribble above -- have gotten the injun sign on all of us? I don't suppose that any of the movers and shakers who received Scribble's dictatorial missive will resent it a bit. "Yes," they'll say, shaking their expensively-coiffed heads, "this is a serious business. Quite right, that Miss Scribble. Little Giudecca needs to buckle down!"
Comments (4)
I expect the coiffures are panic-stricken at the thought that L'il Guidecca's place at Harvard, Yale or Princeton is not guaranteed. This is the social equivalent of Masada for the capital gains crowd. Even in ideal circumstances, Guidecca potentially faces the degradation of a lesser Ivy. If she's not striving 24/7, she's going to let everyone down. The Llewellyns could be faced with disingenuous offers of sympathy and barely concealed smirks in mahogany-finished elevators.
It's not so much the money poured into greasing her skids, or the effort of creating a super baby (toddler psychiatrists, tutors with thrilling accents, specially bred nannies). It's the shame of losing out to parents who were more cunning, more driven. And even after a childhood spent in the full spectrum dominance of hyper-expensive child processing regimens, Guidecca might betray them, out of spite. Miss Scribble, bless her heart, knows her meal tickets better than they know themselves. As shakedowns go, this is unsubtle. But the marks will take it as a compliment, if they notice at all.
The officiousness is probably good for another hefty donation to Creekvalley's endowment, which will subsequently find itself mentioned to an understanding college admissions officer.
Posted by Al Schumann | January 31, 2010 8:42 AM
Posted on January 31, 2010 08:42
I guess if I wanted to pay outrageous tuition prices, because more money means more betterer, and my litter didn't get into the school that they or I wanted... I'd want someone to answer for it! Obviously the student shouldn't be responsible for their own future. I'd go to the very people that had the balls to sends years of tuition bills promising sun filled skies with big white puffy clouds and rainbows that glittered at will. I'd say, we need a Miss Scribble, someone that can make my child look like veal and not a sickly animal. Someone who can explain the ins and outs of this tricky business. Someone who will take this seriously! I'd explain I'm too rich to give a shit, I'm completely consumed in my life and career. In fact, the only reason I knocked my first wife up is because I was feeling depressed about aging, and on my last trip "golfing" with the boys on an undisclosed location, I had to pay for sex for the first time. I was feeling guilty and bad about my self, I wished I could start over. The closest way I could figure, to starting over, was to make a mini me, something that had intestinal fortitude and morals, something that was everything I wasn't. I'd continue, pleading more violently now that I DID THE HARD PART! The remainder is what we're paying them for! Then I'd begin to rant and scream as if I was dying from cyanide poisoning- "Miss Scribble Make every letter look like a fertile cresent moon, or a croissant, I'm so hungry Miss Scribble!!!!"
After the new me graduated from college I'd affectionately remember the person that saved my new life. I'd recommend the school to employees, even though I knew they couldn't afford it. I'd tell anyone who would listen, about how they cater to the students as they approach higher education, and the woman in charge, Miss Scribble, was a gift from god!
Posted by Son of Uncle Sam | January 31, 2010 8:43 AM
Posted on January 31, 2010 08:43
Mr Smith, how is the young girl in question holding up in this environment of grasping expectations?
...........................
Al, I must worship you:
I expect the coiffures are panic-stricken at the thought that L'il Guidecca's place at Harvard, Yale or Princeton is not guaranteed. This is the social equivalent of Masada for the capital gains crowd. Even in ideal circumstances, Guidecca potentially faces the degradation of a lesser Ivy. If she's not striving 24/7, she's going to let everyone down. The Llewellyns could be faced with disingenuous offers of sympathy and barely concealed smirks in mahogany-finished elevators.
Yes. Yes indeed. Such haughtiness really does exist in that arch form, but becomes darkly funny only if you aren't caught up in the swirly haze of the meritocrat's fantasy nebula -- overachievement.
I'm pretty sure that somewhere out in Striverland, Americaville, USA there's a pre-school alerting prospective parents to the dire need of enrolling their 2 year olds in said school, at risk of not getting into the best kindergarten program.
Posted by CF Oxtrot | January 31, 2010 11:54 AM
Posted on January 31, 2010 11:54
Personally, I think Clu Miu could indeed be found, and probably should be. S/he is in serious need of a "School of Rock" shagging.
Speaking of the passive voice, this whole anonymous "are asked" and "must be" presentation serves to bolster the core upper-class dogma, which is "we are better/work harder." Some "are called" to greatness and wealth, while many are, well, not...
Posted by Michael Dawson | January 31, 2010 12:27 PM
Posted on January 31, 2010 12:27