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Buckeye black eye for Rahm

By Michael J. Smith on Wednesday May 3, 2006 10:38 AM

Alan Smithee reports:

Yesterday was a bad day for Grand Viser Rahm Emanuel's master plan for DCCC donkey dominance in '06. Five out of seven RahmPuppets fell in the primary war zones of Ohio and Indiana. Oh, the Humanity!

As the smoke clears over the ballot-strewn battlefields in the breakaway state of Ohio, Rahm's Sockpuppet Army is in full retreat. The stench of defeated RahmPuppet candidacies hovers thickly over the Buckeye State, election day casualties shot down by insurgent natives staunchly defending their voting districts from Rahm's relentless onslaught.

Republican safe Ohio CD03 saw the candidacy of David Fierst brutally mauled by antiwar UAW endorsee Stephanie Studebaker, who flattened the prowar RahmPuppet in an easy 56% - 21% victory. This must be an especially disappointing loss for Rahm, since Fierst had garnered endorsements from both "Ohio Right to Life" and "Democrats For Life."

In Sherrod Brown's CD13 Democrat safe district, Murtha plan enthusiast John Wolfe (1.4%) and backup "Band of Brothers" brother Norbert Dennerll (0.7%) lost to union fave-rave Betty Sutton (30.7%) in a grisly primary slaughter that took the candidacies of no less than seven Democrat hopefuls. Reported amongst the casualties is Gary Kucinich (13.5%), real-life brother of CD10 congresscritter Dennis Kucinich.

On one of Ohio's more contested battlefields, Bob Ney's crater strewn CD18, RahmPuppet Joe Sulzer (24%) placed third behind Zack Space (38.75%) and Jennifer Steward (25.5%). Pundits generaly cite Ney's Abramoff connections as the major factor contributing to Republican woes in this highly red district.

Surveying the carnage, the last RamPuppet standing in Ohio is Richard Siferd in the soldily Republican CD04. Whether or not it helped Siferd's cause that he didn't have an opponent in the primary is difficult to say, but our contacts in the district suspect if may have played a role in Siferd's primary victory.

Meanwhile, in the solidly red state of Indiana, Rahm's Sockpuppet Army sustained 50% casualties. Rahm scored a victory in CD03 as Tom Hayhurst rolled over two challangers to win the primary. But in CD04, local democrat David Sanders handily defeated Rahm favorite Rick Cornstuble in 52% to 31% route.

What does this setback mean for Rahm's Sockpuppet Army? It would seem that, outside of Rahm's heavily fortified Illinios home base, local insurgents are holding their own against the invading Beltway Sockpuppets. Alternately, the Ohio route may have been caused by popular resentment against Rahm's shivving of local cause celeb Paul Hackett. However that may be, Rahm's Army will be further tested on May 16th when nine more RahmPuppets storm the primary battlefields of Kentucky and Pennsylvania. Can Rahm turn the tide of electoral war in his favor? Or is he throwing good corporate DCCC money after bad? Stay tuned!

Comments (4)

J. Alva Scruggs:

The autophagic sensibility that the lean and hungry one brings to his electioneering fits in nicely with my Shock Jock theory of bad politics. Each candidate must be more hopelessly similar to the opposition than the last, or he risks losing the core, dead ender, self-loathing voter demographic. Each sorry outing brings him greater influence, as there is no one more qualified than an incompetent bully.

He's the Morton Downey Jr., bless his lean and hungry heart, of campaign futility.

js paine:

thanx A S

u made my day

J. Alva Scruggs:

There's good reason to regard donk protestations of desire for victory as disingenuous, at best, and more likely dishonest. Leahy, for example, still insists that

"They are wrong," Leahy shouted. "This was a resolution that said go get Osama Bin Laden in Afghanistan. We would have been a hell of a lot better off if they had done that."

"No Republican or Democrat will tell you that resolution authorized the president's wiretapping program," Leahy said.

which is a bit like me posting a link here and acting all surprised when people comment on it.

Un-freakin'-believable! That's a whole new level of mendacity. If Bald-Faced Lying were an olympic sport, Leahy would be team captain.

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