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Condensed Cock A Doodle Doo

By Al Schumann on Saturday September 4, 2010 07:39 AM

This is, in its way, perfection.

I have a personal story that might help. In my native land, we rise at dawn, stuff beans up our noses, mount our pogo sticks and hop to work. None of us asked to be born into that. Some of us can see the imperfections. A few reject the beans and the pogo sticks, bless their hearts, but what do they offer in place? Fantasy, that's what. And what they fail to take into account in their fantasies are the people who wear underpants on their heads.


Those of us who are sensible, like woodchucks, don't especially enjoy the beans. They hurt. They make our eyes water. Sometimes we fall off our pogo sticks and writhe in agony. Hence, Obama. His proposals make sense. We can't have perfection, but we can have better beans and better insertion methods. Admittedly this hasn't worked out. In consequence, some people are dispirited. They asked, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and the answer was provided by Robert Gibbs: urine samples and mental hospitals. Discouraging, yes, I can dig it, man. But does this mean we should abandon our program? Does this mean we should hand our country over to the people who wear underpants on their heads? Because those are our choices.


The tyranny of empiricism is a dead end. A failure of morale is our greatest threat. Let us renew our hope for change instead. It's time to hop.

Comments (23)

This is all so blindingly obvious that it requires inexhaustible fortitude and overwhelming effort NOT to see it. Well stated my man.

Al Schumann:

I wonder if the obviousness works against it. The cost of rejecting it is, essentially, nil, and the cost of maintaining it is clearly quite painful. And yet there they are, hopping like Stakhanovites.


Now those were bromides.

Goddammit, Schumann, you owe me another new keyboard. That Philosopher's Stone (Philosopher's Stoned, more like) was just the weakest shit I've read in quite a while. So goddamn' weak, it's just eye-watering exquisite. That these people feel the need to bust ass making excuses for their guy is bad enough; writing like this just adds insult to injury. No wonder These Damn Kids Today are apparently just not into the Donkeycratic "thing" these days. Interesting discussion -- or at least I hope to make it interesting -- at Gawker:

Commenter 'rdewey' comments at Gawker re: These Damn' Kids Today Just Not Into The Donkeycratic Thing These Days:

It was a fad. It was "cool" to vote for Obama. Kids had no idea what "change" meant. They have no idea what Obama has done to their future. Just like all the grandkids that went down to Florida to get their grandparents to vote for Obama, how do ya like him now, grannie?

To which I replied:

I suspect that future Presidential historians will think of Obama as the fixed-gear bicycle of American politics.

All this and more, boys'n'girls, at

But, seriously, man... I was just now thinking about it. He totally fits: Kickball, Cupcakes, Dive Bars, Fixed-Gear Bicycles, Obama.

You can tell I'm a culture outlaw because I use canellini beans. The woodchucks hate canellini because it almost rhymes with the word "teabag."


i'd imagine a first hand account
of this kabuli paper shuffle capering
in heavily accented
--authentic local lingo bark still on--
sounds better by a metric ton
then that damp squib of
ohbummer's the other nite

the empire is more entertaining
at its periphery where it interfaces with good old human
smash and grab
or tip toe and pilfer
gainful chaos

Mike F. is inspirational. I totally need a bumper sticker now that says "They can have my cupcakes when they pry them from my cold, dead fingers!"

I suppose it would help if I had a car, too. :/


"The real villain in this piece is the enormous number of Americans

-- not, I think and hope a majority, but enormous none the less --

who are either
hysterically insane with religious fantasies and political paranoia.

Do you want a genuinely leftist president? Fine, so do I. How do we get one? Answer, we change eighty or a hundred million Americans.

Let me remind you .... This has NEVER been a country that was hospitable to genuinely leftist politics.

What we are now facing is
a threat from the right unlike any I have seen in forty years.
--since the nixon years --

We are in danger of losing

such tattered remains as we still have of a social safety net,

of seeing maniacal religious fanatics running our country.

These are godawful times,

made all the more perilous
by the fact that
the very large number of genuine progressives in this country are dispirited."

that by the way is exactly what
my great uncle
francis 'hands off ' paine
tried to tell me ...
well ...40 years ago

"the palmer raids owen
...this demon nixon will unleash
a new set of palmer raids ...
(stares at me glassy -- eyed brows arched)
...there comin' for me agin ...
no no not me not this time i guess..nope...they're comin for ...u owen
(stabbing a hammer tipped winter branch like finger at me )
...and your brothers ..all three of ya...
yes sir ...a new palmer raids acomin round the next corner "

Reposting my comment on his site:

Mr. Wolff supports the ongoing mass slaughter of countless people because he doesn't want to lose "the tattered remains" of his domestic "safety net." I could not have scripted in fiction a more selfish or vile way of dismissing the lives ground through the teeth of the American war machine. That kind of vulgar disregard for life is sickening.

Even in the Professor's upper-middle-class la-la land, where the lives of the poor and the brown and the Islamic have only marginal negotiation value (so long as they don't conflict with his Social Security or Medicare), how is Obama not an utter failure? I understand from polls that a majority of Americans wanted the public option. So, how is failing to even push for that option a success? How can you blame the majority, when the majority wanted something more "leftist" than what Obama was willing to deliver?

The John McCain bogeyman is such a weak justification. Domestically, what could McCain be doing that is worse than extrajudicial killings on presidential order, forcing people to patronize health care conglomerates under threat of financial destruction, destroying jobs, putting Social Security "on the table," or essentially, anything he's done since putting his suit in the chair? Imposing Sharia law, Mr. Wolff? Please. Your "do [terrible thing] or else [even worse thing] will happen" argument is as hollow, and as murderously insane, as Glenn Beck's use of the same technique.

What a pathetic, selfish, terrible defense of the ongoing charade of theft and slaughter.

Al Schumann:

Absolutely, High Arka. Given the realities of the actually existing Obama presidency, with its bankster-hugging, war-surging, corporate bubble economics ways, it's hard to honestly claim a potential McCain/Palin presidency posed or poses a threat. It would have made Democrats feel queasy, granted, but that's just too fucking bad. And now that Obama his ownself is the one proposing the gutting of the social safety net, well, there's no need to speculate on the horror of a wingnut presidency anymore. We have one!

"Hence, Obama. His proposals make sense. We can't have perfection, but we can have better beans and better insertion methods. Admittedly this hasn't worked out. In consequence, some people are dispirited"

I laughed and laughed and laughed when I read this entry.


Better beans and better insertion methods... LOL


I too am keenly interested in better insertion methods and devote significant effort in research thereof. My focus has nothing to do with beans, however, so my work is likely of little use in addressing the vexing and crucial issue raised by Comrade Professor Doctor Schumann.


This was super-funny, in that kind of way that makes me want to put my head in a tight-fitting plastic bag and breathe, and breathe, and breathe.

I think we need more wars, actually. I believe that if we subject a high-enough percentage of the world's population to open warfare, somebody will eventually invade the US, decimate our economy, criminalize our culture, and then occupy us until we can be trusted to govern ourselves -- maybe in a century or two. Or five. Personally, I'm holding out for the French (once they've gotten rid of all those scary gypsies and have the time to devote to a proper foreign conquest), because how funny would that be? (Maybe not as funny as the Chinese.)

Great post!

...I am also heartbroken that I missed the other half of that economics essay. I am too stupid to understand it, but it had animations!

I can see Obama toiling away in a fine cheese quarry right now...


a woodchuck'd never drunkenly shoot anyone in the face, as there'd be a gush of a bright and potentially clashing color.


This parody is seriously over-immature.



Al Schumann:

You want giant bunnies instead?


Is there one of GWB carrying a German giant on a platter? THAT would make me smile.


Or Angela Merkel on a platter. Ever since you photo-shopped HRC onto that head-wounding candid, I've been hoping (or hopping) for more of that ilk.

Al Schumann:

I'll try for some good photoshoppery when I get the time. The GWB platter series is tempting, and as MJS noted Obama is the dullest bucket of neoliberal flopsweat in existence.

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